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Monday, December 28, 2009

Monday, 28/12/09, 01:00am

I feel like the most pathetic and loneliest girl on earth right now, tearing in front of a blank screen, pouring my hearts out to a stupid device, incapable of feelings. I really don't know why the down feeling. Have I become worn out from handling this long distance relationship? How long more am I going to tolerate this? These are the questions in my head, all without answers, all I’m too afraid to face with.

I just feel so frustrated with myself, with my situation. Girls with problems with their boyfriends, consider yourselves lucky that you're able to have an argument with them in person, at least you can meet up anytime of the week. As for me, I wouldn't even want to risk having an argument, cos as it is, I’m half a globe away from my boyfriend, and to argue will just distance us further apart than ever. Any change in distance has since become negligible to me, cos he's not here in sunny Singapore. Canberra, London, they're the same.

I know having unhappy thoughts would not be healthy, but I can't help having such thoughts. Must be triggered over m conversation with my sis, who's expressing how she's not able to take 14 days, 2 weeks, away from her boyfriend who went to USA with his mother for a holiday. Thanks sis, I’ve been away from boyfriend for 2 months now, so you can't imagine the pain I feel.

She then asked “So how did you tahan sia?”

I was caught off-guard by such a frank question. That question really got me questioning myself. It wasn't really a question on how I overcome it, but rather the pain felt from waiting to hear from Rio, the emails/calls/msn. Sometimes I imagine myself as on of those women who has their other half sent for war, worried over their return, eager for any word from them.

The pain is so fresh right now, cos baby, I haven't heard from you for 4 days now, ever since I met you for transit, for 20min, of which we only spent half the time catching up. I feel so stupid waiting to hear from you, when I'm sure, you're having the time of your life in London, not a moment of me in your mind. My sister calls you an Idiot but really, though I partially agree with her, I just don't want you to ruin your holiday cos it's been 2 months since you've seen your family as well, so I’m sure you're making full use of the time to catch up with them,
You said you like the fact that I’m an understanding girlfriend cos I'm always thinking in others' perspective but hey, am I being too understanding here? Me and my way of always thinking of others before myself, something some call a strength, others a weakness. I really don't know. My sis says that I'm being too kind, and not anyone, at least a girlfriend, can tolerate having not heard from her bf for such a long time. Half of me say “Suck it up Malina” but part of me wants to voice it all out. But I have this fear, this fear of pointing out might end up in a fight, something of which we've never had, and I’m so scared of that. Or rather I’m scared of losing; losing it, and more importantly, losing you.

I’ve been in bed tearing for 2 hours non-stop now, and I can't let stop it from flowing. I feel like a spoilt tap, only which it can't be fixed by a plumber; cos her solution is the cause of the problem.

I don't even know why I’m ranting on the blog for, it won't comfort me when I’m sad or hug me and whisper “things are going to be all right” or even make you come back, but I guess I just need an avenue to put my thoughts into words, cos I'm such a sucker in expressing myself and I really don't want to share this with anyone. The irony, and I’m putting this in a blog, where any tom,dick or harry can read it, but I just fear the part of breaking down in front of others, a no-sense principle of mine, let them see my sorrow on the net rather than in person.



reminiscing
11:15 PM <3

(: