Malina's rambling reflections-

i've always been inclined towards the human study & always wanted to take up psychology, just to understand our species & maybe get reasons why people behave in certain ways. Hoho, now, i'm not so sure myself whether i've got what it takes, or rather, the perseverance to keep up with the different, antics & behavior or different people, without getting affected over it.


I'm quite cool with friends coming to me to complain their woes & worries, just to provide a listening ear, or sometimes or another, give some advice & some comforting words. but sometimes, i just cant help but sink into the emo mode, but funnily enough, it doesnt happen until i get off the phone/chat with that friend of mine. Shucks, i think i can be quite the emo freak, just that it's hidden,overshadowed by my sometimes craziness. i don't know, i'm just not the PDE type (Public Display of Emotions)i just can't get how some people can easily show people their feelings, and can't understand further why they do it so openly as it sometimes affect the mood or rather, the whole spirit of those around them. I don't know, this is just my opinion, that it can be a rather selfish act of the individual to be a party pooper when they are in a group of close friends just out to have fun. haha, but then again, it depends on the extent of the problem that the individual is facing, and seriousness of it. Of course it cant be excused if the person is troubled with a bgr issue. but things like emo over nothingness & PMS can sometimes be irritating. ( yes, i'm a girl too, sometimes its just a biological cycle thingy that affects us, but surely you dont have your period all year long rite? haha. Pls enlighten me if u do)

Its weird how i can listen to people's problems and advise them on it, to keep their cool and not lose their heads that when it comes to my own problems, i can't even think straight. Haha, i can be a consultant for others' other than myself. Many a times, i've helped friends sort their r'ships but i just can't seem to get a grip on mine. Seriously,its damn ironic to think of it. and like now, it's really hard for me to express whats in my head and i just realise,i like to ramble abt general stuff and not even expressing what i'm feeling until the end or it'll be all over the place. haha, i just can't express myself very well i guess. and yes, my posts are rather long, cos i just cant get my ideas straight.

urghh... gosh i can't stand myself. i'm listening to superly emo, somber songs, that keeps me thinking (there's too much in my head i can't piece it all up)

[listening to-The Moffatts- Who Do You Love]

i've told this to myself so many times to let things be as it is, to go with the flow and not expect anything. But hell, it's not that easy as it seems,each time i see you, the same warm feeling comes again and sometimes its really a wonder,sometimes it ends up a torture, as the feeling haunts me back. haha,maybe i'm exaggerating it but that's the effect you have on me. They say Love is an Antidote, I'd say Love is a Poison.

I'm unsure of what my heart says. haha,the alchemist:"listen to you heart" i'm listening here, but all it says is lubbdupp lubb dubb. That helps, seriously.>_<

But i just don't get you at times, the things that you do at times can be so sweet and all, maybe you don't realise, but you're leading me on. I'll try to not let my guard fall, telling myself that you're just mr nice guy who treats girls well, and that every girl gets the same treatment, but its hard to convince myself that. I keep thinking to myself and have this dilemma of going into confession, but,hey, i don't wanna end up getting embarrassed and hurt and dejected. And confessing to a guy, excuse me for being traditional here, is just not 'right'. Maybe i'm not being very forward with my feelings, but like i said, im quite bad at expressing myself, not unless the guy makes the first move. But no, I guess its unrequited, and our feelings aren't mutual. So i guess i'm stuck in this same dilemma until year end when i don't have to worry about A Levels.

Boy, i don't know what you're trying to do here but you're affecting me. All your actions affect me, and yes, i do get jealous at times over girls you tell me about, and yes, it does hurt at times. Im not sure if you do suspect anythg but my girlfriend is just soo convinced that you do know. But , it doesnt quite seem to make much difference does it? Maybe you should just start realising who's been there for you all this while. But then again, if he doesnt realise it, then he's not my worth. ( As you can see, my mind is in a state of conflict right now)

I'm just so affected that you are not consistent with how you treat me( ok i admit, mayb i'm too sensitive) In a group of friends, you treat me like a stranger. But when we're together, i see a different side of you,n yes,i do like seeing that side of you. I can't believe i've been blogging since 2am and been thinking about you, about this for soo long. I guess it isn't very helpful here, but at least here i can express myself better for I cant seem to open up to people as easily as i can socialise with them, and my 'consultant' has her own problems to think of, and its selfish of me to talk about my problems.

Bahh..i guess i'm just too concerned about others that i end up getting hurt at times. Gosh, im in this mode where i can't care less and feel like drowning my sorrows. But doing so is just a temporary relieve,and it'll come back to haunt me. I just gotta sort this out.And figure out the music of my heart. Sure.


I wrote this at 2am-"and i think i have imsonia or sth. cos i can't get myself to sleep until the wee hours of the morning,when i have to be awake. gosh, what is wrong with me? i'm rambling nonsense now, the ideas are just flowing in my head"]

i think its true. I need to clear my head. haha, but i wont be so literal like britney as to shave her hair.HAH.

reminiscing
1:20 AM <3

(: