Monday, 28/12/09, 01:00am

I feel like the most pathetic and loneliest girl on earth right now, tearing in front of a blank screen, pouring my hearts out to a stupid device, incapable of feelings. I really don't know why the down feeling. Have I become worn out from handling this long distance relationship? How long more am I going to tolerate this? These are the questions in my head, all without answers, all I’m too afraid to face with.

I just feel so frustrated with myself, with my situation. Girls with problems with their boyfriends, consider yourselves lucky that you're able to have an argument with them in person, at least you can meet up anytime of the week. As for me, I wouldn't even want to risk having an argument, cos as it is, I’m half a globe away from my boyfriend, and to argue will just distance us further apart than ever. Any change in distance has since become negligible to me, cos he's not here in sunny Singapore. Canberra, London, they're the same.

I know having unhappy thoughts would not be healthy, but I can't help having such thoughts. Must be triggered over m conversation with my sis, who's expressing how she's not able to take 14 days, 2 weeks, away from her boyfriend who went to USA with his mother for a holiday. Thanks sis, I’ve been away from boyfriend for 2 months now, so you can't imagine the pain I feel.

She then asked “So how did you tahan sia?”

I was caught off-guard by such a frank question. That question really got me questioning myself. It wasn't really a question on how I overcome it, but rather the pain felt from waiting to hear from Rio, the emails/calls/msn. Sometimes I imagine myself as on of those women who has their other half sent for war, worried over their return, eager for any word from them.

The pain is so fresh right now, cos baby, I haven't heard from you for 4 days now, ever since I met you for transit, for 20min, of which we only spent half the time catching up. I feel so stupid waiting to hear from you, when I'm sure, you're having the time of your life in London, not a moment of me in your mind. My sister calls you an Idiot but really, though I partially agree with her, I just don't want you to ruin your holiday cos it's been 2 months since you've seen your family as well, so I’m sure you're making full use of the time to catch up with them,
You said you like the fact that I’m an understanding girlfriend cos I'm always thinking in others' perspective but hey, am I being too understanding here? Me and my way of always thinking of others before myself, something some call a strength, others a weakness. I really don't know. My sis says that I'm being too kind, and not anyone, at least a girlfriend, can tolerate having not heard from her bf for such a long time. Half of me say “Suck it up Malina” but part of me wants to voice it all out. But I have this fear, this fear of pointing out might end up in a fight, something of which we've never had, and I’m so scared of that. Or rather I’m scared of losing; losing it, and more importantly, losing you.

I’ve been in bed tearing for 2 hours non-stop now, and I can't let stop it from flowing. I feel like a spoilt tap, only which it can't be fixed by a plumber; cos her solution is the cause of the problem.

I don't even know why I’m ranting on the blog for, it won't comfort me when I’m sad or hug me and whisper “things are going to be all right” or even make you come back, but I guess I just need an avenue to put my thoughts into words, cos I'm such a sucker in expressing myself and I really don't want to share this with anyone. The irony, and I’m putting this in a blog, where any tom,dick or harry can read it, but I just fear the part of breaking down in front of others, a no-sense principle of mine, let them see my sorrow on the net rather than in person.

reminiscing
11:15 PM <3

(:

6th December 2009, 1.43pm

I've decided to open up a blog again, just a channel for me to update things on my life and to share my random thoughts and reflections with you.

It's a nice Sunday afternoon and I'm all alone at home. I guess it's time for me to catch up and have my solitary time to myself, but somehow, it feels lonely and depressing. Sister just left to meet up with Izree and Yan went out to meet his endless list of friends. After saying their goodbyes and finishing my Korean episode for the hour, I came back to reality and looked around me, absorbing the surroundings of my house. I felt a familiar unpleasant emotion rising up to me, a stabbing pain on my heart. I felt empty, just like the house. Dull,abandoned and just plain empty. Funny how a house becomes a metaphor to what the occupants feel. A warm,welcoming house reflects happy occupants, whereas, a dull,empty house just reflects emptiness and loneliness.

I was wondering what triggered me to feel this way,and then it dawned on me how much i'm missing your company and how envious I was of my sister and girlfriends who are constantly out with their boyfriends. I guess it started from going to Ubin with my girlfriends,and seeing Suerya and Zul togeher made me remember my first trip there with you and then going on to see your parents for the first time. Going for Pauline's birthday yesterday and seeing Awie and Pauline together made me feel envious of them and before I know it, I was going back to the memories of the last gathering we went together, and that was your farewell party.

Then it dawned on me that you've only been away for 1month plus and here I am, tears rolling down my cheek wondering when you'll be back. I know at this juncture you'll be saying "Don't worry, it's only about 7 months more and I'll be back,time will pass by very fast" but hey, 7 months is still a long time. With each passing moment, I countdown the months you'll be back, and hopefully it'll be weeks and then days when i can see you again.

I know I'm being very selfish here lamenting at these emotions out to you when you're the one having it tough there,all alone.sometimes i really wonder how you do it,whether you think about me, as much as i do to you. Sometimes, I just can't help but feel insecure knowing you're 7hours flight away from me,whether the 8 months of being away will make you forget me, and all the feelings you've had for me when we first met. I'm not doubting the relationship nor you, but I guess it's just a question that lingers in my mind every once in a while.

I'm still getting adjusted to not receiving a sms from you everyday asking me "how's your day?" or a call from you arranging our next meet up or just talking on the phone about everything and anything. oh well, i have to get used to that.

I remembered what Aunty Ruki told me, "You have to be his pillar of strength and support when he's there,cos here, you have your friends and family, but there, he's all alone." I guess it's true of what she said, and I should stop being a crybaby and be there for you. It's time to get back that indepedent,tough girl I used to be, but somehow, you're the only one whom i've revealed the vulnerable side of me.

i shall stop here,if not i will go on and on about it. A long run will do me good, to clear my head and run; away from such unhappy thoughts.

reminiscing
6:09 PM <3

(:

status: pms mode

omgosh, I swear I reopened my blog at the right timing. I feel so pms-ish for the whole fcking day, I swear I was frowning like half the time. geez, the feeling just came out of nowhere, so I guess blame it on the biological cycle!

urgh, I got quite pissed my plans didn't actually go as how I wanted it to be, cos the mugging/napping period was spoilt by a last minute plan to break fast all the way at geylang, where it's known to be freaking crowded on weekends during the Ramadhan month. Dragged myself there to break fast with the little rascals(my beloved cousins) and my mummy(s). got damn irritated at First Lady, nearly lashed out at the stupid tuition aunty who refused to pick my call, and got irritated over nothing. Darn, if not for the take 5( my plan of quitting is slowly making progress,yay), i think i'd have erupted or something.

seriously this time, somebody call 911. hurhur

reminiscing
12:26 AM <3

(:

gosh, and they say facebook is addictive.

I'm back to the days where i flood my blog with multiple entries per day.

it's 6am right now, and i just can't get myself to sleep yet, cos I had to nurse a rather STUBBORN cousin to eat cos she was having gastric pain. i swear my threshold for patience is really high, cos my family gave up trying to make my cousin eat sahur after 5min, and I managed to make her eat something after a whole 30min of persuading her. *pats my own back*

Hoho,now I'm freaking awake cos I'm having one of those stomach pains again probably cos i ate too much sambal:/ stupid girl, now I gotta nurse my own pain. I think my biological system is cock up cos i barely slept 2 hours and i'm freaking alive,alert, awake now. I should just try lying in bed cos i realised I got to teach tuition @ 12pm :/

All righty then,signing out.






footnote:
this is really a damn stupid post with random thoughts just coming out of nowhere.there's really no flow in the sentences, but HECK!

reminiscing
5:59 AM <3

(:

yes, I've decided to finally update my blog after soo long of being dormant. Okay, so I've turned 19,started school and have someone in my life now. The drive for me to restart my blog was triggered by
1) the urge to pen,or rather, type down my thoughts
2) express myself, since it's the best way of getting myself to reflect about things
3) for the heck of it

I guess the real reason i wanted to blog was that there's been some things in my mind lately and i just need to rant it out. Talking to a few close girlfriends got me quit affected and thinking of relationships, to the point one of them even commented that it is the "break up season"

Whoa, harsh as it sounds, I don't quite know if I should agree or not with that. I mean, in every relationship, there are definitely bound to be setbacks and love wars,and the two individuals that chose to commit to the relationship should brace themselves for such situations. I guess its up to the free will(learnt this reading up on behaviourism,haha) of the people on how they should go about with the issues at hand.
1) they can stock up on the ammunities to prepare for a battlefield (suddenly the song "Battlefield" pops to mind)
2) do the diplomatic way and go about talking it over with coffee,tea, or me:P (geez, I make it sound so simple,lol)

but oh well,its easy for me to pen it down in all these stupid theories and opinions of mine but hey, reality check; things are harder than it seems. it's sad that that different sets of friends have come to me with different sets of problems they face and what i could do most of the time was just to provide a listening ear. I feel useless at times, but i guess that's the best i offer for now, as I train up to be a psychologist (LOL, as if it teaches you on how to cope with love life,hehe)

Talking about relationships got me thinking about mine, on how many friends are saying that we are still in the "honeymoon" period. HAHA, of course there's a certain truth to that cos we are still in the process of getting to know one another and what you call in the "lovey dovey" period, still very careful about not stepping on each others' toes, for fear of the Love War to be declared. To think of it, I'm quite contented with how things are going on for us as we still managed to accommodate to each other (yes, you may say it's still the honeymoon period) and,not like one of those stick-glue couples that exist in their own universe. Haha, I'm a girl who likes her space and independence but I guess your going away in a month is just getting to me and I just feel like spending every free time I have with you. But demanding for such is equivalent to me being a possessive girlfriend and like one of those crazy girls who claim they can't live without their bfs. -_-" uhhh, gross!

So ya, i'm just hoping for the best that we will be going on strong even as you leave me for the kangaroos:P Friends and family(my sis) have been voicing their concerns and doubt on how we are going to continue the relationship even though we will be in different continents. Thanks for the concerns but I'm not going to lie to myself and tell everyone that everything is going to be all right, cos I know things are definitely going to be trying for us, that's for sure. I can't quite give a convincing answer or assurance of how I'm going to continue my relationship, but one thing for sure is that I know I gotta have faith.

Oh well, all this is making me feel sleepy, I shall stop here for now. Till again!

Come what may,
I'll embrace the challenges as it comes along :))

reminiscing
1:43 AM <3

(:

oh gosh i am nineTEEN, the final year in the teenage years, by next year i wouldn't be in the teens already and will be stuck in the oldies age, TWENTY where i'm neither a teenager nor a legal adult; in other words, facing a confused crisis. hohoho,speaking of birthday, i celebrated my birthday this year differently, at camp with 200+ campers & 20+trainers with me

not exactly an ideal birthday celebration for most people, but i'm quite cool with that considering i'm getting paid still. it's all about the money baby!

Thanks to everyone who sms/facebook/called me to wish me a happy birthday, my apologies for not reply most of them cos i was either too tired to reply back or i just plain forgot.

They say,one year older will make one one year wiser, and for this case, it holds true for me cos this camp was really an eyeopener to me as a trainer.

It was a real learning experience from observing my fellow trainers at work, with sheik being more of a mentor to me than a buddy and getting one of the most difficult classes was definitely a challenge for me.You could say i've learnt more about these kids but more importantly, i learnt more about myself and the things i have to improve on as a trainer. the so called leadership skills learnt back in school, though applicable, may not be as suitable for different people cos these kids aren't as obedient as most cedarians. and they are definitely more vocal and daring.

i guess i love this job not because of the money(puleez, compared to admin. jobs, the pay is nothing) but more because i love the outdoors and interacting with people. The opportunity to work with different people from different walks of life is refreshing as you do get to learn a lot from them and get differnt perspectives. The different types of kids and behaviour you get can prove to be challenging as you have to adapt to the different people and find methods that can immediately capture their attention. Well..i think this job is more challenging that having to memorise table no. and customers' orders but at least i'm loving it!:)


and i celebrated my birthday with a bbq leftovers from the kid's camp with a few peeps at 2am in the morning and later in the evening, i had a shisha date with my girlfriends:)

reminiscing
12:59 PM <3

(:

Gee, i just read a post from huiluan about 25 random things-_-" i guess i shall be random today.

I just started reading a book called "Why men don't listen and women don't forget"

Don't ask me why i'm reading such a book, i went to psychology section to try to make sense of psychology and this book just caught my eye cos of its lime green cover. But yea, then again, i'm quite random so it's quite an interesting read.

It can be quite dry at times though but my favourite comes at the facts of life and how men and women are different.

Do you know...

Men have generally bigger brains compared to women? (it's scientifically proven)

[Before the male starts criticising the female, let me add on.]

It's also scientifically proven that women have more grey matter as compared to men.


A classic example of why size doesn't matter.

|malina +nanabanana+ says:
Hey my nick is much cooler than yours!

JuN kAi says:
mine cooler lor

JuN kAi says:
and what is grey matter?


haha,doesn't this prove a point?

Don't get it? nevermind, you lack pia mater:D

yea yea, "whateveer cheese fries"

reminiscing
1:02 AM <3

(:

The chinese new year break nearly killed me of boredom. Surprise surprise, most of my friends were celebrating the year of the ox or working while i was rotting at home, staring into space.

Okay, exaggerated as i may sound, i only stayed home for two whole days,and i must admit that is quite a feat for me already cos i'm mostly out of the house most of the time. But well, i had a great time on the eve of new years', celebrating a farewell and birthday celebration. Potluck as it was, the only thing provided for were bbq food and mostly booze. haha, my donut empire was snapped up in barely 2 minutes, but heck, it shows i choose the right food:D but yea,it was a wacky party to be at, it was like good cos booze,cigs and entertainment were provided. the company of friends were fun & welcoming considering nada & i were the newbies and also treated like the 'babies':)) but yea, everyone got high before 11pm but well, we were quite sober to know what we were doing, in a way.

We stayed out till the next morning before i got home around 9am, and i managed to get 3 hours of sleep before being awaken by evil sister who forceed me to accompany dad & her to mustafa ctr. i was a zombie for a day, but i still got to buy 2 tops for myself:D lucky i got something for the trip down.hehe, but yea, we bought a hd tv & its hot red!woohoo...i'm so into red,orange and hot pink now.

that aside, i stayed home the next two days, plans to meet up were cancelled cos it wasn't confrmed and all. tsk..sick of the lack of wanting to confrim things and i hate things most when plans are changed at the last moment. Not that i;m resistant to changes, but people nowadays should start learning to respect the time people has set aside to meet them for appointments, instead of happily cancelling the meet ups. these people ought to be shot.hrmph.


anyway, this year, i'm gonna spend my birthday at camelot camp. Oh wow, you must be thinking it must be a loserish birthday:/ but hey, i don't mind, i don't like kicking up a fuss about birthdays, to me ,it's just another reminder that time is ticking by and i'm getting damn old.(damnnit)

but yea, since i've got pay day, i've still got a long list of things to buy, but the pay isn't sufficient. darn, so pls be charitable and donate to malina-needs-funds. hohoho

1)Sports shoes (DONE! GOt purple asics from daddy!:D)
2)Sports tops ( DONE!same sponsor as above)
3)Mountain bike ( unanimous refusal by my family to buy one for me:( )
4)Crocs! ( a nice cute one for my own use)
5)Haviannas sandals ( think my sister is buying this for my bithday! hohoho)
6)A pair of Oakleys shades ( i need to work 3 camps to pay for a pair of these:/)
7)More dresses
8)Camping pouch for own use
9)Pumps! Those with less heels are something i need to invest in
10)Shoebag! i need to find another orange shoebag to replace the ones that i got from girlfriends last year
11)accesories!
12)more jeans/bottoms
13) money to pay for my driving license


Gahhh..all these need money and that means i need to either get assigned more camps or plot to solo rob a bank (since my partner in crime is serving the nation over at tekong:/)

it's ok, i guess i'll have to take a few months to save up,especially for the mountain bike!:D

reminiscing
1:13 AM <3

(:

The last time i blogged was 3 weeks ago and soo many things have happened i feel overwhelmed on what i should blog about.

so many different events happened, from good to bad, happy and sad,i'd say it's been quite a challenging january.

after having done my first camp with camelot, i met wacky people who are great & give me a refreshing view of life(ironic especially from their tembak habit) and how to inject fun with work:) finally, away from jc kids, who are trained to follow by the book (no offense, i mean i am a jc kid too) away from rigidity in structure and finally some leeway. i'm still looking forward to working with camp ha though, i'd like to see the difference in the management of camps,provided they assign me even a camp to start with :/ but yea, i guess i'm sticking to camps n tuition to live by for now. to just get another better paying job for now is quite hard,especially with the recession. well, the pay may not be as good as an office job, but i bet you the fun and experience is just as worth it.

ok,enough of work for now, as for family, i just had two relatives passed away back to back, my dad's brother and my mother's brother's wife. It was really a task to have to handle two funerals one day after the other, especially when i received news of my aunt's passing on during camp. it felt so surreal, a shock till now that she's gone forever,i can't quite imagine that she's no longer around. Even though i've only come to taking care of her 2 times, her death was quite a hit in the face for me, cos i was planning to visit her after camp the next day. I guessed i should have scheduled a visit much earlier, cos what's left of now are just regrets, words that are useless even if written and binded into a book. she has passed on and life has to go on, no matter how harsh that may sound.

reminiscing
12:45 AM <3

(: