Monday, 28/12/09, 01:00am

I feel like the most pathetic and loneliest girl on earth right now, tearing in front of a blank screen, pouring my hearts out to a stupid device, incapable of feelings. I really don't know why the down feeling. Have I become worn out from handling this long distance relationship? How long more am I going to tolerate this? These are the questions in my head, all without answers, all I’m too afraid to face with.

I just feel so frustrated with myself, with my situation. Girls with problems with their boyfriends, consider yourselves lucky that you're able to have an argument with them in person, at least you can meet up anytime of the week. As for me, I wouldn't even want to risk having an argument, cos as it is, I’m half a globe away from my boyfriend, and to argue will just distance us further apart than ever. Any change in distance has since become negligible to me, cos he's not here in sunny Singapore. Canberra, London, they're the same.

I know having unhappy thoughts would not be healthy, but I can't help having such thoughts. Must be triggered over m conversation with my sis, who's expressing how she's not able to take 14 days, 2 weeks, away from her boyfriend who went to USA with his mother for a holiday. Thanks sis, I’ve been away from boyfriend for 2 months now, so you can't imagine the pain I feel.

She then asked “So how did you tahan sia?”

I was caught off-guard by such a frank question. That question really got me questioning myself. It wasn't really a question on how I overcome it, but rather the pain felt from waiting to hear from Rio, the emails/calls/msn. Sometimes I imagine myself as on of those women who has their other half sent for war, worried over their return, eager for any word from them.

The pain is so fresh right now, cos baby, I haven't heard from you for 4 days now, ever since I met you for transit, for 20min, of which we only spent half the time catching up. I feel so stupid waiting to hear from you, when I'm sure, you're having the time of your life in London, not a moment of me in your mind. My sister calls you an Idiot but really, though I partially agree with her, I just don't want you to ruin your holiday cos it's been 2 months since you've seen your family as well, so I’m sure you're making full use of the time to catch up with them,
You said you like the fact that I’m an understanding girlfriend cos I'm always thinking in others' perspective but hey, am I being too understanding here? Me and my way of always thinking of others before myself, something some call a strength, others a weakness. I really don't know. My sis says that I'm being too kind, and not anyone, at least a girlfriend, can tolerate having not heard from her bf for such a long time. Half of me say “Suck it up Malina” but part of me wants to voice it all out. But I have this fear, this fear of pointing out might end up in a fight, something of which we've never had, and I’m so scared of that. Or rather I’m scared of losing; losing it, and more importantly, losing you.

I’ve been in bed tearing for 2 hours non-stop now, and I can't let stop it from flowing. I feel like a spoilt tap, only which it can't be fixed by a plumber; cos her solution is the cause of the problem.

I don't even know why I’m ranting on the blog for, it won't comfort me when I’m sad or hug me and whisper “things are going to be all right” or even make you come back, but I guess I just need an avenue to put my thoughts into words, cos I'm such a sucker in expressing myself and I really don't want to share this with anyone. The irony, and I’m putting this in a blog, where any tom,dick or harry can read it, but I just fear the part of breaking down in front of others, a no-sense principle of mine, let them see my sorrow on the net rather than in person.

reminiscing
11:15 PM <3

(:

6th December 2009, 1.43pm

I've decided to open up a blog again, just a channel for me to update things on my life and to share my random thoughts and reflections with you.

It's a nice Sunday afternoon and I'm all alone at home. I guess it's time for me to catch up and have my solitary time to myself, but somehow, it feels lonely and depressing. Sister just left to meet up with Izree and Yan went out to meet his endless list of friends. After saying their goodbyes and finishing my Korean episode for the hour, I came back to reality and looked around me, absorbing the surroundings of my house. I felt a familiar unpleasant emotion rising up to me, a stabbing pain on my heart. I felt empty, just like the house. Dull,abandoned and just plain empty. Funny how a house becomes a metaphor to what the occupants feel. A warm,welcoming house reflects happy occupants, whereas, a dull,empty house just reflects emptiness and loneliness.

I was wondering what triggered me to feel this way,and then it dawned on me how much i'm missing your company and how envious I was of my sister and girlfriends who are constantly out with their boyfriends. I guess it started from going to Ubin with my girlfriends,and seeing Suerya and Zul togeher made me remember my first trip there with you and then going on to see your parents for the first time. Going for Pauline's birthday yesterday and seeing Awie and Pauline together made me feel envious of them and before I know it, I was going back to the memories of the last gathering we went together, and that was your farewell party.

Then it dawned on me that you've only been away for 1month plus and here I am, tears rolling down my cheek wondering when you'll be back. I know at this juncture you'll be saying "Don't worry, it's only about 7 months more and I'll be back,time will pass by very fast" but hey, 7 months is still a long time. With each passing moment, I countdown the months you'll be back, and hopefully it'll be weeks and then days when i can see you again.

I know I'm being very selfish here lamenting at these emotions out to you when you're the one having it tough there,all alone.sometimes i really wonder how you do it,whether you think about me, as much as i do to you. Sometimes, I just can't help but feel insecure knowing you're 7hours flight away from me,whether the 8 months of being away will make you forget me, and all the feelings you've had for me when we first met. I'm not doubting the relationship nor you, but I guess it's just a question that lingers in my mind every once in a while.

I'm still getting adjusted to not receiving a sms from you everyday asking me "how's your day?" or a call from you arranging our next meet up or just talking on the phone about everything and anything. oh well, i have to get used to that.

I remembered what Aunty Ruki told me, "You have to be his pillar of strength and support when he's there,cos here, you have your friends and family, but there, he's all alone." I guess it's true of what she said, and I should stop being a crybaby and be there for you. It's time to get back that indepedent,tough girl I used to be, but somehow, you're the only one whom i've revealed the vulnerable side of me.

i shall stop here,if not i will go on and on about it. A long run will do me good, to clear my head and run; away from such unhappy thoughts.

reminiscing
6:09 PM <3

(: